I know I’m a highly sensitive person when it comes to my emotions; I feel emotion much more strongly than others do. I don’t generally have a huge problem being overwhelmed by positive emotions because joy and laughter feel good. The trouble comes from depression, sadness, loneliness, and feeling worthless. When these feelings come, it feels like I’m downing and it takes time for them to pass.

I need to practice not judging my emotions and letting them pass. I need to acknowledge them and remind myself it is okay to feel that way. This is difficult for me to do because I feel like I’m drowning. The emotions consume every part of my body and soul. I get mental tunnel vision and the negativity is all I can see. I begin to think about why bad things always seem to happen and I ask myself why can’t something good happen to me.

I have plenty of good things in my life: my family, my husband, my close friends, my job, etc. I try to remember those things, but I also know they’re temporary; I can lose them at any moment. I begin to panic wondering what there is to hold on to. I look into the possibility that I will end up alone. I don’t have a relationship with any of my cousins. I don’t have a relationship with any aunts and uncles. I barely have a relationship with friends.

I know that’s normal when getting older. Life happens. People and circumstances change. Deep, deep down, I know it will be okay, but I’m clutching the memories so tightly trying to hold on to that feeling of safety I once knew. My heart wants authentic social connection; a sense that I belong to something bigger than just myself.

There’s frustration that connections don’t pan out. There’s despair at the realization I’m not fitting in. There’s desperation at trying to find SOMETHING I have in common with others. There’s realization that I’m a group of one. I like the books I like. I like the movies and music that I like. There’s the tech things I like. Hobbies, on the other hand, seem too hard to do.

I think I need to try just writing on here more often. It helps me to get the thoughts and feels out of my head where I can see them and analyze them. Not everything is a well thought out essay. Sometimes I just need to let it all out like barf on a page because it seems to quiet the emotional beast.