Forgiving myself has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn how to do. Being an overthinker and one who had depression, anxiety, and PTSD, I have a lot of things that weighed heavy on my heart. I’ve made mistakes and hurt people. I’ve misread situations and hurt people. I’ve done things that I think would make me a monster. I’m human.
I don’t have any excuses for my past mistakes and that’s a place to start. Before you can forgive yourself, you have to accept that things happened and that you were wrong. You have to confront those memories and feelings and accept responsibility for them. You have to understand that human beings are imperfect and that everyone on this planet has things they’re ashamed of and regret. You don’t make it through life never making a mistake.
Hindsight is always 20/20. When you’re looking back at a past mistake, it’s easy to recognize what you should have done. It’s normal to ask yourself why you couldn’t see that at the time or why you weren’t strong enough to do it in the first place. You must, and this is important, tell yourself that it’s in the past, you can’t undo it, and it’s going to be okay. A lot of people stop before they get to the “and that’s okay” part. You have to accept it’s ok because there’s nothing you can do to change it at this point. It happened.
It takes time to get to the point where you can say that it’s okay. It takes practice and an active effort to do it. Your mind is in a rut of self-blame and deprecation. It’s a habit just like chewing your nails. Because it is a habit, you can break it. You’re going to fail many times before it takes hold and you succeed. Keep going.
If you feel the need to, reach out to the person you wronged and let them know you’re sorry. This is tricky because you’re going to want to be forgiven. You have to accept the fact that they may never forgive you. They will probably block you and you’ll never be able to communicate with them again. It’s their right. They were hurt and their healing is their responsibility and not yours. They don’t owe you a single thing so don’t press it. If you can’t speak to them directly, write them a letter and delete it later. It’ll let you confess your mistake, own it, and apologize. This is more about you than it is about them.
I’ve hurt some people I really liked and they cut me completely off as a result. I think about what I would do if our roles were reversed. If hearing from or seeing them would hurt me, I’d block them so I can heal. If you care about them, you’ll not fight it. Let them cut you off. Remember, it’s okay and it will be okay.
The next thing is to understand what you need to do in order to not make the same mistake again. You have to learn from it and change your behavior and way of thinking. If you don’t change as a result of your mistake, you’re not ready to move past it. This mistake needs to be a reminder to you if you’re ever in the same situation that led to it in the first place. If you can remember it and the consequences of it, you’ll likely not make the mistake again.
If you’re at this point, you’ve probably forgiven yourself for it. I’m not saying it won’t hurt because it will probably hurt, to some degree, for the rest of your life. This is okay. You won’t think about it every single day. At this point, you just have to let time heal the wound. You’ll get to a point where you can say “yeah, that happened.”
“Yeah, that happened” is the key. It’s part of your story now and you’ve left it in the past.
