I never thought I’d make a post like this one, but here I am. It has been one day since my attempt. I’ve had a little over twenty four hours to reflect on my actions and near death. I’ve learned an important lesson from the experience and I need to get it into words so I can finish processing.
I love my husband. I love him more than I love myself. He completes me in ways I could have never imagined. We’ve been through a rough patch over the past few months. I’m not getting into details, but I will say it hasn’t been pretty.
He had made up his mind to leave and wouldn’t tell me why. He told me he had been to a lawyer and had a plane ticket to go stay with his family before continuing on to his home country, Republic of the Marshall Islands. I begged him to tell me what I’d done or not done. I begged him over and over to tell me why so I could have some sort of closure, but he refused. (He’s not a bad guy so don’t start hating on him.)
He said he was leaving and left the room. I thought he was going outside to wait for his brother-in-law to pick him up and I’d lost all hope. I was crying so hard and all I could think about was how pointless it was to go on. In my mind, if he left me, I honestly didn’t see a point in living.
I wasn’t thinking clearly. It all happened so fast. I looped a belt around my neck and put the other end over the closet door and closed it. I leaned forward and felt it tighten cutting off the blood supply. I woke up on the floor with my husband talking to me. I didn’t know how I got there. I remember talking, but I don’t know what I said.
He had come back in just in time. He saw me hanging and cut the belt with a knife and took it off my neck. He quite literally saved my life. For a few minutes, I thought the belt had broken because of my weight. Maybe the belt had slipped out or something. No, it was in pieces and it dawned on me that he had cut it.
I wasn’t doing it to get attention. I fully intended to end my life right then and there. I think people who categorize suicide attempts as attention seeking don’t understand the true gravity of the situation; they white wash what’s actually happening. Giving up. Completely giving up on everything.
It only took seconds for me to black out. Seconds! There wasn’t any real discomfort. If he hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t be alive. I think about what it would have done to my husband, my parents, my little dog, my close friends. It would have destroyed everyone who loved me.
Everyone says how much they love me and are here for me, but in the moment it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. It wasn’t a “woe is me” feeling; it was “I have nothing left to live for” and I made the decision. It took seconds to think and do. I’d say it was more like a reaction than an actual decision.
You picture someone hanging themselves and it taking minutes to die. That’s just not true! I blacked out in less than 30 seconds. It was lights out in the blink of an eye. Talk about a slap in the face with how precious life really is.
I feel like I understand it all much better now. It emphasizes how serious suicidal thoughts can be and how quick it can happen. It definitely gives me pause to think about things and to hopefully realize how giving up isn’t the answer. It makes me see how the normal things people say to someone who is suicidal really don’t make sense.
I think we need to tell them to just stop and take some deep breaths for a moment. Pull out the “This, too, shall pass”. Everything is in a state of change; nothing is permanent except for death. There’s no heaven and there’s no hell. Your consciousness just winks out of existence. End of story.
I was very lucky. It’s very easy to lose your life. Life is fleeting. I must be vigilant to make sure I don’t do this again.