Category: Mental Health

My Body is Falling Apart

I had my six-month check up at the doctor yesterday. My iron is still a little low, but apart from that, I am doing okay. My foot and ankle hurt and it’s painful to walk. I also have a cataract in my left eye and one forming in my right.

I had a good visit with my therapist. I cried and explained how bad I’ve been feeling. She got me an appointment with my psychiatrist to adjust meds later this week. My grief has really made me struggle with my depression. I don’t know what we can try, but I know I need some help to get myself out of the funk I’m in.

The orthopedic doctor wants me to get new orthotics. He’s very reluctant to suggest surgery because he’s afraid the incisions won’t heal. I’m basically stuck hurting to walk or wear shoes. I suppose I’ll shell out the cash for new orthotics and see if they make a difference.

My knees hurt because I hyper flexed them a few months ago. Most days I do fine, but sometimes they feel like they’ll just give out from under me. I’ll probably end up in a wheelchair before too long, lol.

Grieving and Depression

My father passed away ten days before Christmas 2024. It was very unexpected and mom and I are having a hard time. Grief last visited my immediate family 38 years ago. I thought I was prepared and knew I could handle it, but I was mistaken.

I don’t know if I’m feeling more grief or more depression. I know dad is gone and my life is changed, but I also feel like nothing will ever be okay again. My sense of security has been shattered. I have so many feelings and memories swirling in my head. My PTSD has me reliving every trauma I’ve ever experienced.

I notice the feelings get worse when it’s time to eat a meal. I find myself ruminating about what an awful person I am. How my life always shatters every few years like clockwork. I lose damn near everything.

Mom and I went out to west Texas for dad’s memorial service. I had wanted to see my son while I was out there, but he stood me up. We made plans to go out to eat, but he never showed. Well, I asked him if he wanted to join me and he accepted. He said he needed to take a shower first so I waited by the phone, patiently. Nothing. I went to eat by myself.

He called and I invited him to join me as I was on my way to see a friend from when I lived out there. He again accepted and said he’d see me there. He asked if he could bring his female friend and I said of course he could. No show and no contact since. So, I feel like I lost my son, too. It occurred to me that he only reaches out if he wants something.

My husband had some troubles back in September and October. He wanted to go see his family in Spokane so I bought his ticket. He was there a week before my dad died. I feel like I’ve lost him, too. He assures me he’s coming home, but my biggest fear is that he won’t. I tear up every time I think about it.

I feel like I’m having to deal with this alone and nothing will ever get better.