I have been recalling some painful memories that I clearly haven’t processed. It’s odd how these things pop into my head out of nowhere. I’m remembering a painful time from my very first year as a teacher. You have to understand that I loved teaching. I loved my students very much and I’d never dream of hurting any of them. I’m remembering one that had brought a knife to school in order to kill me and the shock of finding that out.
I don’t remember the kid’s name, but he looked old for the seventh grade. I doubt he was any older than the rest, just an early bloomer. I’d pat him on the back or shoulder every so often and tell him I was glad he was there. I had no idea I made him uncomfortable; the thought never crossed my mind.
He was caught and expelled. I’ve never forgotten it or really come to terms with it. I do blame myself for not being more sensitive to the fact that not everyone is like me. I didn’t have a clue that what I had done could be considered sexual harassment. I mean, I wasn’t behaving in a sexual way in my mind. I never considered that it could come across that way to someone else.
More than 15 years later, hindsight is 20/20. I think I’ve been exposed to better sexual harassment training, and I’ve grown as a human being. I was in my late 20s and still very naive to the ways of the world. I think I lived in my own bubble of reality and hadn’t quite learned that everyone has their own bubble, and my actions influence them.
I wish I could go back in time to prevent it from happening. I wish I could contact this person and beg for their forgiveness. I wish there was some way for me to atone for what I caused to happen. I can only hope that I didn’t ruin that kid’s life. I wish he had just said something to me instead of doing what he did. You can’t expect a child to act like an adult, though. I was the adult, and I hadn’t acted like one.
I accept that I was wrong. I accept that I can’t change the past. I’ve taken the lesson learned from the experience and applied it to my life. I forgive myself for what happened. I am a better person because of it.
